"The Cost of Freedom" or "No More Crashes, Okay?"

A history of cars owned by the broke and unknown:

 1 -- 1983 Dodge Aries (K) - 4spd manual trans, no power steering, no power brakes, a/m radio in the trunk, replaced with a Kernwood thing, by my dad. Sky blue. In 1990, parents upgraded to REAL cars and, if I could learn to drive a stick, I'd get the car, free and clear. Forty-five minutes later, the little blue box was mine. GREAT mileage, but not much else. Going over 50 in the winter created air-conditioning in the car. I also couldn't restart the car WHEN THE ENGINE WAS WARM. I couldn't close the driver's side door when it was cold. Had to use the passenger side door and haul me and my long winter coat over the shift, which was coming directly out of the floor and bent over the seat. At least it was a bench seat. Had that one til I couldn't get out of 1st gear anymore and a different garage lied to me and told me some chain had broken and it'd be expensive to replace. THAT part, I believe. This car was only worth something when I filled the tank.

2 -- 1994 Chevy Cavalier - new model, off the lot, 2-door automatic transmission. Bluish-greyish, I dunno. Got it just before I got married the first time. It got us where we were going, but I didn't like it very much. I missed the standard's mileage. Spouse had had his license for about a month (I kid you not), and failed the whole standard idea when he almost drove Eddie's Camaro into a gravestone. (Hey, there's a few around here, so that's where everyone's parents taught their kids to drive.)
Had that car until fall of 1997, when I lost it in the divorce. Gave it up, actually, along with my daughter, our friends, the apartment.... I bought my way to freedom, but it was expensive as hell, in more ways than one.
That car lasted for him until about 3 years ago.
I don't want to talk about it.

From here on, years/dates get fuzzy.

3 -- Saturn SL - 5-spd, 2-door manual. Shiny oceanic deep blue. I LOVED that car. So I totaled it. Police said I ran a stop light, but I was lost in Salem and I was stopping at EVERY intersection, stop sign or not. Goddamn pickup was going too fucking fast. Smashed into my door, turned 270 degrees, and ended up in front of a synagogue. (Add your own comment here.) Got the glass brushed off of me and walked away from it, as did my daughter, who sat in the back seat in the exact opposite corner, as far away from the point of impact as she could get. THANK ZEUS. Car was determined to be totaled 'cause of some bent axle thing. Damn...

4 -- Saturn Ion - 4 door automatic. Black. I walked away from the tiny Saturn, I could trust a larger one. I needed it. I just did not want it. I wasn't over the death of my previous car. I bought this one from the same guy, Burt, who'd sold me my baby. Took less than 30 minutes. No balloons, no photos. And off the lot I drove.

5 -- 2005 Hyundai Elantra. BRIGHT red. GORGEOUS. 5-spd 4-door standard. Leather interior, automatic everything but engine. Kick-ass stereo system with speakers that belonged in a higher-end brand than Hyundai. Found and bought when spouse went looking to replace his 1990-something Ford Explorer. He looked around outside. I looked around inside. Saw car. Got in. Adjusted seat. Got comfy. Fell in love. Knew I wasn't getting it. Spouse comes in and I get out. Then we see the sticker price. With both our trade-ins, and buying two vehicles at the same time, the price was right. I basically broke up with the Saturn. It wasn't the car's fault. It was all me.
 
This baby got totaled Christmas Day, 2007, when I hit a guardrail on ol' 93N. Distracted, drowsy, Zeus knows what. Saw the car later. Driver's side, you'd never know anything was wrong. It was the passenger side that had taken the brunt of it. It still woulda been fine, except for one thing. While I was still in the breakdown lane and kind of in shock, I found the H that sits in the center of the front bumper. The rest of the passenger side bumper drove itself into the engine. Bye bye Hyundai.


This actually turned out to be not-such-a-bad-thing, because I lost my job 4 months later. Because I totaled the car, the insurance paid for the whole thing. After losing my job, I never would have been able to make the payments, and the car would have been repossessed and I'd have lost everything. SO, once again, timing is everything.

5 1/2 -- My mother's whatever year Chevy Malibu. She drove me around for a large portion of the 5 months after the total. Nothing like riding in the back seat of your mother's car to bring you from 40 right back to age 12.

6 -- 1995 Mitsubishi Galant - Black 4-door automatic. Security system is locking the doors. (My dad says use the note he used to: Remember to sniff for gas BEFORE TURNING KEY.) I ended up buying this car twice; once off the lot and then again paying for all the repairs the damn thing ended up needing. No real surprise, considering we only paid $2100 for the thing. (Lesson learned: Just because my ex knows how to change the oil, it does NOT mean he knows everything there is to know about car engines. Hell, I know more about them now than he did then.

7 -- 2001 Toyota Corolla LE - Cranberry red 4-door automatic. No decent security system, but I can lock all the doors from the driver's seat, as well as work the windows, too. (Hey, it's exciting for me.) CD-player, but now I have an iPod connector that goes into the cigarette lighter, and I listen to that almost exclusively. 
I lost my job in April, 2008. I applied for disability in spring of 2009, but I had been eligible since October '08. In July, I got a nice chunk of cash, back-paid from October. So first thing to do was go car-shopping. 
My theory on cars has always been I'm gonna drive them into the ground. I was still dragging around in the Mitsubishi, and it was getting pretty close to the ground. I decided not to wait for it to die. My mother thought I should hold onto the money until it really did die. However, given the amount of highway driving I do to and from the shows, and the hours put in, I figured it'd be a good idea to stop now, before it died on I-84 in CT, a state that believes that headlights provide sufficient light when you're driving at 2am. Streetlights? We don't need no stinkin' streetlights!
So I did lots of internet research, found a few used cars at dealers in the area, printed out a list, and went looking. I almost got a high-end Volvo at a good price, but my dad pointed out that there's a reason a car that good is priced so low. So, pass.
For God knows whatever reason, I asked my mother to go with me as I checked out a couple more cars. No dice on them, but, as we were driving home, I passed a Toyota dealership. I heard a car call to me, so I had to answer the call. Turned in. Checked out car from all sides. Looked good enough to check out. Went inside. Woman at desk paged any available salesperson. Single white female with senior-citizen type mother does not scream out "big spender!" and I was basically ignored. I fixed that in a hurry. (The world calls it "assertive." My mother calls it "too loud. Keep your voice down." Sums up a lot of our relationship, really.) 
Finally, a sales person came over to finish up something and I asked him if he could help me with a car. He asked which one, got the folder and key, and we went looking. Good shape, rims, tires, muffler... I opened and looked at EVERYTHING. My mother was like, "What are you doing?" "Checking out the car." "Why?" This is from the woman whose car died when the engine froze up. When my dad asked her when was the last time she had an oil change. "Oil change? What's that?"   Yeah.)
I said I wanted to test drive it, so off we went. My mother said I was going too fast. (I'm at 35mph, the max on a heavily patrolled road.) Looped around, pulled into an empty parking lot, did lots of turns forward and backward. My mother kept asking me why I was doing all this. (I still don't know why I brought her with me.)

We go back to the dealership. Guy asks if I'd buy it today if it were the right price. I say yeah, I just might. (But I didn't NEED to that day, so I was willing to walk away.) A couple of numbers plus tax later, I said, that'll be my max. Financial guy comes in. How about this price and we can finance it all. I say no, I'm not financing and I'm not going above this number. He writes down a number a couple more times. I finally stand up, hold my hand out and say, "Well, I'm sorry we can't make this work, but I appreciate your time." Lo and behold, I paid what I said I'd pay. MAYBE that was their plan all along, but I learned that I'm able to walk away from something, look and act dignified about it.


Now I'm married to the Toyota. Its name is Sydney, and it's got bumper stickers all over it.  I recently bought it a friend, Tom Tom, and we are all getting along well. 
I am the proud owner of an 11y/o Corolla with 135,000 miles on it and the potential to qualify for one of those "I've been driving my Toyota for 51 years and it's got a million and a half miles on it" commercials.
I'm happy.




 

Colin&Brad -South Shore Music Circus, Cohasett, MA -7/29/05

(I can NOT believe I pulled this off! One of my best writing accomplishments EVER.) Thank you, Dr. Seuss.

************

Inspired by a game I really enjoyed, I hope that my readers will not get annoyed
If I try to report this in the style of a rhyme, and hopefully convey that I had a good time.

The show started out the same way as before, with Ira Proctor doing stand-up some more.
He moved some of his jokes from beginning to end, and with a Dunkin Donuts rant made some new friends.

Brad and Colin finally came out on stage, evoking cheers and shouts from fans of every age.
Brad joked about the setting, how hot and muggy, and named it Mosquito Mountain, because it was buggy.

A shout from the audience asked, "Hey, where's Ryan?" despite the fact no one else was cryin.'
Brad answered back "Where's your wealthy cuter sister," and we all cheered because he'd really dissed her.

"Moving Bodies" started the show, with Sheri for Brad, and TR made Colin go.
In Denmark we were, and "their best accents"...NOT, in a CPA's office, oh the action they got.

The pair made the guys walk by hands on their butts, and Sheri even gestured around Colin's nuts.
Brad was "Queer Eye for the IRS Guy," and we were laughing so hard we were ready to cry.

"D.Copperfield and Starbucks all rolled into one," I can't explain better, but it sure was fun
To watch the whole place laugh in disbelief, by the time it was over we needed relief.

The next game they played is either Change or New Choice, and they pulled from the crowd a new little voice.
He came up on stage, Brad asked where he's from, he turned to the crowd and yelled, "Hi Mom!"

His said his name, Max, the guys knew they're in trouble, for that horn worked overtime, I'm sure it was double.
New choices galore, I couldn't keep up, and Max kept them going, he wouldn't let up!

To make this point clear, I've got written down, what Colin said when honked by this clown.
Since he'd just ended the 5th sentence in, his next response was, "Can I get a word IN??"

The scene was a car wash, but Max stole the scene, and when it was over, Colin was really keen
On grabbing the horn and honking it loud, as Brad brought him ALL THE WAY back to the crowd!

Colin told us the next game, involved a big duel, using a squirrel and tree stump as tools.
They played Dr. Seuss, who was born in Springfield, a useless shout that the "inane info bureau" revealed.

Our scene took place during interior design, "Wouldn't Brad's shirt covering the couch be divine?"
Brad preferred shiny instead, you knew it was coming, "shiny just like your head."

Colin got stuck for a moment, I guess, for a memorable line he repeated, yes
"Draperies draperies draperies, YAY! Draperies draperies draperies YAY!"

I remember Brad's squirrel attacking C's nuts, and Colin's tree stump not saving his butt.
They avoided the "F" word, it lightened the load, "That one's for you, Max, an element of class on the road."

They collected Sentences (rejecting those that were rude), with Colin's first sentence setting the mood.
"Did you enjoy my snack fairy ad?" "No, not the snacks, but the fairy!" said Brad.

Lots of amusing lines came very fast, I couldn't keep up with them to save my ass.
I do know that Max's name showed up again, but we were all laughing too hard by then.

Then there was Brad's rap, to a guy named Keith, and I'll use his rhyme, I kept hearing "neath."
Keith lived in Framingham, worked in Duxbury, and we corrected the drunkie, it's NOT "Deluxebury."

Brad did his rap, Colin did his bit, and it was 2lb of rap, and 10lb of spit.
Here is the message I'd gotten so far, "New Balance shoes and plaid shorts don't make a rap star."

For Sound Effects, they pulled up Kathryn for Brad, and Mike up for Colin, good sounds to be had.
I shouted "Death Valley" and that was taken, for Colin had asked for a place godforsaken.

The game started off, and our electricians worked, where some odd-sounding vultures lurked.
Kathryn made noises, with her own arms flappin,' but the sound effects eventually happened.

It got so hot out there, they needed a drink, so they tried to flag down an ice cream truck, I think
Brad grabbed a megaphone, "Popsicles!" he did say, but Colin said it didn't work, it was set on "gay"!

Brad flouncing around crying "Popsicles" again and again, I don't remember anything else before the end.
This was one of those games that you needed to see, to truly appreciate what so tickled me.

The last game was Mousetrap, and laid out as obstruction, were all these "Weapons of Mouse Destruction."
Barefoot and blindfolded, Colin and Brad, sentenced their digits to hell, it was BAD.

This game makes me cringe with every playing, and I don't understand why it keeps on staying.
But the crowd loved the game, loved the guys, loved the sight, so who'm I to quibble? It was a GREAT NIGHT!

Colin&Brad-Cape Cod Melody Tent, July 28,2005

Half the battle of doing a live improv show is having an audience that is willing to work with you. Never let it be said that the Cape audience was NOT into this show. The announcer boomed, "From the TV show Whose Line Is It Anyway?" Colin Mochrie and Brad Sherwood!" and they came out to thunderous applause. Not polite clapping, THUNDEROUS applause and cheering. Brad and Colin waved and bowed, and the noise sort of died down for a moment, but then picked right back up again to the same volume and enthusiasm. And they hadn't even SAID anything yet! Of course, when they did say something, Colin's mic didn't work, creating for the briefest moment, "The Brad Sherwood Show," accompanied by their observation that the sound check at 5 was perfect and we should have been there then. (I would have if you'd let me in for it! *G*) While the techs tried to fix Colin's mic, they handed him a regular one...which also didn't work. The next one they brought him had a very SHORT cord attached to it. Colin was now sorta "trapped" at one end of this round stage, causing him to become very territorial. "This is MY end of the stage!" he declared. Finally, Colin was hooked up to the kind of mics they used on the show, a little one hooked to his shirt. However, he kept the "operator" style thing on, as well. We WERE going to hear him, dammit! LOL

The Cape Cod Melody Tent is a theater-in-the-round, and Brad and Colin have apparently become quite used to working on such a stage, moving all over it and allowing us to "see their butts for half the show," as Brad put it. That brought many cheers and laughs and "I love you" shout-outs to both men. And boy, did they give us something to love!

They started with "Moving Bodies," with Paul moving Colin and Joanne moving Brad. They were in Italy going to the beach, using their trusty moped. Colin held Brad's head on so he wouldn't have to worry about it, and they actually moved forward, with Colin doing all the hand signals from the back. When they made it to the beach, they noticed a boat in trouble so Colin did "a style of stroke I'm not going to tell you about" to get out to save them. Brad stood, watched, and waved as Colin magically then walked on the water. I've never seen a game of MB actually advance so far, plot-wise. I was quite impressed with the job Paul and Joanne did.

For "New Choice," they pulled three kids on stage, 2 girls wearing the entire sequin inventory of a craft store (my words), and a boy who, Brad noted, was NOT wearing any sequins. That may have been detrimental to his game, because his horn didn't work. Brad's next comment was "two mics and three bike horns...didn't think that was so much to ask." Heheh. So Brad told the boy just to SAY honk. For the scene, Colin and Brad were building a Go-Kart. Colin asked Brad what he was doing, and he was building the Go-Kart, wearing his Go-Kart pants (honk) wearing his clam-digging pants. He was preparing for his big Go-Kart race (honk), for the big Go-Kart fashion show (honk) to enter the "town race." In those quotes, Brad started filling in local town names and the name of a race. I don't remember any of the names he used, but I do remember he was honked a good 8-9 times and he had a Massachusetts city for ALL of them, until at last he gave up and said something degrading about Providence. There was a faction in the audience who didn't take very kindly to that. Eh, you can't please all of the people all of the time. *G* Brad asked Colin about the design for his Kart. Make it in the style of a Go Kart! (honk) A Go Cheetah! (honk) The Flintstone mobile! And finally Colin had to name the Kart. Flash Lightning! (honk) Cape Cod filet! (honk) Speedo! (honk) Bucket of Fast! (honk) Whoooo! (end of game).

Their next game involved a duel. and their weapons of suggestion were numchuks (sp?) and a fish. They explained they would be playing the Dr. Suess game, something new they'd been trying. I'd never seen this before, and was curious to see it. I think this is going to become my new favorite game, because, despite the fact that they had "weapons," the true duel was verbal. Watching each of them trying to come up with a response that rhymed was PURE MAGIC. It was like watching a tennis game. Colin'd get one, then Brad, and back and forth, each one earning louder and louder applause with every couplet. I took almost NO notes, instead sitting rapt from my front row seat enjoying every moment of this game. I have that Colin rhymed "weasel" with "diesel" since he was working at Pilgrim Discount Fuels (courtesy of the phonebook). The end was near when Brad's comment included "At least I'm not a stinking Canuck!" From my vantage point, I could see Brad gesture with his eyes to Colin, then to a youthful audience member. Colin thus ended the game with, "All these rhymes I am without, but I can't say more with young ears about." VERY smooth, Colin....VERRRRRY smooth. And have I said I LOVE this game? I LOVE THIS GAME!

Next up was "Sentences," which would take place at the Acme Glass Company (thank you once again, mr.phonebook) and would involve a swindle. (Thank you Colin for accepting that from me.) Brad came back to town for a 20th reunion, with Colin's ex. Colin's first sentence? "Your shirt is too loud." (Have I mentioned how enthusiastic the crowd was? Well, you should have heard them for that one. LOL) Brad teased Colin about the wife in bed. "Do you know what she says to me now? "Where's the nearest restroom?" Colin owned the glass place and the motto was "How's it hanging?" a new way to put up windows. Brad ridiculed his idea for louver(sp) windows. Colin said he'd been low for a long time, until he saw a billboard that changed his entire life. "When's lunch?" I had lunch with MYSELF, and that's how I came up with hanging windows! (You needed to see the expression on his face as he's saying this, all happy and "I've seen the light!" Meanwhile, Brad's looking at him like he's got 3 heads. Funny stuff.) During the playing, Brad pulled what I considered a throwaway sentence, "How many Cape Codders go to Florida in the winter now?" Let me tell you, that sentence brought the BIGGEST LOUDEST cheer of any sentence this game. Gotta love your seasonals...LOL

Brad made very good use of material done by the opening stand-up comin, Ira Proctor, who told jokes about Viagra and Cialis ads and their warnings, among other things. Colin pulled, "Hey, how did these get so big?" Brad said he'd been taking Cialis for 3 hours and 55 minutes and in 5 minutes he was going to be making a very awkward phone call. GREAT recall, Brad! Lots o' back and forth, with and without sentences, until it ended that Brad had been a woman, was now a man, and wanted to marry Colin, because, after all, this IS Massachusetts!

For Brad's "Rap," he got Pete to make his way to the stage. To me, Pete looked like Jerry Garcia. Brad went with David Crosby, and commented that Pete was probably already here for the Crosby Stills and Nash show. (Much laughing.)(If I wrote "Much laughing" every time it was appropriate, that's all the report would consist of. Believe me, this audience LAUGHED.) Pete is from Brighton, in the UK. He writes computer programs for a company named Willden, and he was here on a working vacation. He coaches 14-15 y/o boys in American football, and the team is named the Sussex Thunder. ("Sounds dirty," commented Brad.) He collects comic books, and his favorites are Captain Americas. (This little interchange perked Colin's ears a bit. Was watchin' him. *G*) Pete also sails a boat called "The Experiment." This prompted a line in the rap to the effect of "I'd rather sail in something that was pretty much done, not still in the working stages." And he sails...where? I heard Walkaway Bay. Pete repeated it a few times, but Brad, blaming the British accent, turned to an audience member for a translation. I was sitting next to the girl and neither Brad nor I could understand what SHE said, either! I looked it up later. It was Waquoit Bay. So Brad rapped all about Pete and Pete became "MC Pete." Great rapping, but let me tell ya, the crowd LOVED Colin's additions of those microphone sounds, 2 lbs of Colin and 10lbs of spit. Thank you, Brad Sherwood, for that lovely description.

Audience members Trish, for Brad, and Jim, for Colin, were brought on stage for "Sound Effects." Colin asked for a local occupation and got truck driver. Then he needed a dangerous location, and I don't know what was said, but Colin decided he'd heard "lobster ranch." (Among the rejected shoutouts...Canada. *rolls eyes along with Colin*) I tell ya, I didn't realize how many sounds lobsters actually made. heehee. Many hilarious moments during this, especially as they tried to herd the lobsters onto a truck to bring them to dangerous Canada. (Yep, the assignment just keep getting more and more dangerous...LOL) Brad grabbed his megaphone and tried to call the lobsters, but it was apparently set on "gay," because Colin had to step in and call the lobsters in the style of a German kommandant. That got all the lobsters on except one renegade lobster with numchuks. They threw a lobster grenade, but that was too weak, so Brad took out a lobster Bazooka. *Click* was all he got, but he beautifully explained it by then showing off his Bazooka lighter instead. Thank GOD they ended that game there, because we were all in pain from laughing so hard to this point. Man...

And THEN...it was Mousetrap time. I don't know what they were supposed to be doing...possibly laying carpet? Dunno. From the front row, with the stage literally at eye level, I had a PRIME viewing location for this game, so view I did. LOTS of snaps, LOTS of fingers, toes, knuckles trapped. What made this particular playing fun is that the audience REALLY was into it, directing especially Colin in Brad's direction. Brad, ever the sport, took his goggles off first. One direct hit to an area Colin would rather not have snapped prompted him to say, "PUT YOUR GOGGLES BACK ON!" thus ending the game.

Have I mentioned how great and enthusiastic and loud and responsive the audience was at this show? WOW. The guys got a well-deserved standing ovation. But considering they'd come in to one, as well, what more could be expected?


After the show, I belly-flopped the stage and got a mousetrap, and got Brad and Colin to sign it outside afterwards. They are a LOT of fun to talk to, or at least, to listen to. I was kinda nervous this first night, and was happy just to bask in the Colin and Brad glow. That was soon to change, though, for I AM Boom, after all. *G

Colin and Brad show recap - 2005

 Today, I  remembered I have/had a LiveJournal account. I found several recaps of Colin and Brad shows, so I'll post some here. (Yes, I used to bring a small notebook, and I could write FAST.)

ReCap -Colin/Brad w/Greg - Atlantic City - 7/8/05

I waited in line for an hour and a half for the doors to open. Then I sat by myself for another hour and a half waiting for the show to start. Then, 10 minutes late, the show started. Brad started by noting there was an empty table right in front. "Well, fuck 'em if they can't get here on time. We're even late, they think we have time to keep waiting?" Colin then asked how many people had ever seen Whose Line and thought the performers had been prepared beforehand. A smattering of applause. "Well, we have a term for you people...bastards!" Laughter. Back to Brad. "Okay, we're going to be asking you for suggestions all night, so let's practice now. Yell out your name! (lots o' shouting) Yell out your favorite dessert topping! (lots more shouting) Yell out your zodiac sign! Hey, someone yelled Cool Whip! Yeah, we have nitrous oxide rising. (laughter)

MOVING BODIES: Donovan moved Colin and Wendy moved Greg. The scene was Oktoberfest in Germany. What stood out the most was Donovan's movement of Colin. Brad had done the usual "If you want to move an arm, do this, move a leg, tap here, you want him to go home with you, touch right around here (groin area). And don't forget they're human." Well, apparently Donovan forgot. He wasn't tapping Colin. He was pushing him, chopping him, etc., nothing was gentle about this. At one point, Greg was supposed to be dancing, but his legs weren't moving, and Colin's advice was, "A kick to the leg usually works." Eventually Donovan ended up moving Colin by molding himself to Colin's back and carrying/dragging him across the stage. For me, it was more cringe-worthy than funny. Brad did intercept at one point and said they'd need Colin for later so go easy on him. Greg did end up dancing, but very awkwardly. "No wonder we lost the war!" The game ended soon after, while Colin was still able to remain upright.

JEOPARDY: Someone (probably Colin, he hosted) called a man up on stage and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, Howard Hesseman, from 'Head of the Class.'" This gentleman, whose real name was John, did resemble Howard. Brad, Greg, and John lined up on-stage and played Jeopardy. "What's your name? John. What do you do? Work." (Ed: Ahhhh, John was gonna be a BIG help tonight.) Greg was Vinnie Falzorino, who worked in import/export in Jersey. What did he import and export? "Don't ask. Some went by small boats, some went by small planes." Brad was Imgay Babaloo, a craps dealer who worked part-time driving a pushcart down the boardwalk. He keeps his babaganoosh in his pants. (Seemingly innocent comment, but wait...)

[u]Various categories: Suggestions: Questions[/u]:
Foreign Foods: Sushi. Greg: What do you do when you have a lawsuit against a broad? (BIG Italian swagger, accent, the whole bit. Jersey LOVED it.)
Historical People: Benjamin Franklin (mine). Greg: What do I have a fuckin' pocketful of right now? (MUCH Cheering from the crowd.)
Big Boats (Category chosen by John): Titanic. Brad: What is better than a gin and tonic?
Exotic Animals: Llama. Brad: What comes between rama and ding-dong? (many laughs)
Tropical countries: Aruba. Brad: What does a Model A horn sound like?

(At this point, Colin awarded John the points, "pity points," as he called them. John was trying, but failing. We were hoping, but he couldn't quite come up with anything.)

Things Sold in a Drugstore: Prophylactics. Brad: What's the opposite of antilactics?
Foreign Cities: Casablanca. John: What is a white house? (YAY! We all cheered him for that one!)
John's category: Big Stars: Cary Grant. Brad(I think): What do you have to do when Grant is drunk?
Things in the Solar System: Uranus. (Yeah, they took it.) Brad: Where do I sometimes keep my babaganoosh? (Ick.)
Elements of the Periodic Table: Magnesium. John really tried on this one, and I THINK he was headed for What happens when you forget your magnum? or something like that, but John gave up in the middle of trying to say it. Too bad, he was almost there.
Winning question: 3-Syllable words: Cannibal. Brad: What is better than a can of cow?

I'm not sure this was a successful endeavor, bringing in the audience member, but what the hell, they tried.

NEW CHOICE: Greg called while Brad and Colin worked in an office. Colin worked for Brad and told him the xerox was out of toner (NC) out of dark powder (NC) on fire. I'll have to write a memo about it. (New physical choice) I'll spray paint a memo. (NPC) I'll chisel a memo. (NPC) I'll semaphore "waves arms" We're out of toner!"
Brad was going to fire Colin. Why? I've worked here for 15 years! (NC) I've worked here for 5 minutes! (NC) I built this place out of wood and mud! (NC) Give me 15 minutes and I'll do something fantastic! Brad: Well, the business is failing. "Stationery Supplies" (NC) Stationery and crap (NC) Outhouses and Paper is going out of business. You have any ideas? Colin: Yes, I have a new slogan! Where there's pee, there's mud! (New less disgusting choice). (I don't remember the new choice, we were all laughing by now.) It happened that the business was failing because they'd built it on the beach and it was dissolving. They ended up laminating the stationery store so the ocean wouldn't dissolve the building Colin had built using adobe. Greg was RELENTLESS on the New Choicing, and these are only a few of what Brad and Colin came up with. VERY funny playing of this game.

Crime Scene Confession: Colin left, and Brad and Greg took suggestions. It ended up, that "While wearing a sundress, a clown nose, and boxing gloves, Colin bungee jumped naked on the boardwalk and snorted a slurpee in Rancocus at Zippy's Zeppelin Rental Center and left behind an ocelot (my suggestion) and his teeth."
Greg and Brad were relentless on Colin, to the point where he asked "Which one of you is the GOOD cop?" Neither one was, it turned out. *G* They got the clothing relatively quickly, with Greg putting up his dukes at one point for the boxing gloves. (Side note: I didn't see him, but the guy who suggested "sundress" was, according to Brad, "the least likely person on the planet to suggest "sundress." Must have been some big biker-looking dude.) For the crime, Colin said it wasn't easy in those clothes. Various hints were "You think you have a monopoly on crime" and "You think you're one hot property." Eventually, Colin got that he bungee-jumped on the boardwalk, and he started to sing to the tune of "Under the Boardwalk." "On the boardwalk, I bungeejumped," to which Brad responded, "Shut up, Otis!" Then Colin got Slurpee (hints involving brain freeze) and he guessed "I porked it?" Greg, very outraged, "You can't pork a Slurpee! Can you?"
Rancocus was easily the most painful word of the night. Colin got Ran, coke. Then Brad and Greg were drinking the cokes, saying "WE have them, you don't." And Colin would go "I have none." "You have them." "I'm thirsty." I, we, you, them, they...he came out with every freakin' pronoun known to man except US. FINALLY, they got to US. We had died by then. *G* And then Colin continued to kill us, because Brad made him say what he had so far. Colin said Slurpees, plural, and Brad made him repeat it all over again. Grooooooaaaannnnn...And more death trying to get Colin to say "Center." The clues were good, Colin just kept going around and around and around and MISSING the center. (Get it? LOL)
They got teeth okay. Then Greg gave the entire description of an ocelot, leaving Colin to come up with "ocelot" in his final answer. He looked puzzled for the longest time, even though Greg's clue sounded like it came straight out of Encyclopedia Britannica. Brad chimed in with "Not Jaguar, not this cat, not this cat, not this cat, hey, Greg, I'll email you the answer." And that's where the lightbulb came on over Colin's head and he FINALLY strung it all together. WHEW!!!

STYLES: Brad and Greg played a scene where Brad had borrowed Greg's can-opener. Greg knocked on the door, then said "Fuck it," and kicked it in. (I loved that...getting mad over a can-opener.) Brad was still using the can-opener to open a million cans of tuna.
Gangster-Greg-That tuna could be your sister if you don't give the opener back!
Sci-Fi- Brad knelt down, and, as Yoda, dared Greg to take the can-opener away from him. They had a light-saber fight over the can-opener, all with Brad as Yoda and down on his knees the whole time.
Western- Greg: "All right, short deformed kid." He gave Brad some sort of John Wayne/Yoda name I can't remember.
Broadway-they sang and danced about opening cans of tuna
After School Special- Greg got upset that Brad wasn't sharing, and Brad make a crack about Bumble and opening a "cannabees"...groooannnn.
Romance, which quickly turned into Porn, which went to Aerobics video, which went to Porn Aerobics, somehow leaving Greg bent over a stool, and then Documentary, and they "Opened up a can of Whoop Ass!" End of game. (Notes got weak at the end there due to the laughing of the writer. *G*)
Greg tried a reference to the Campbell Soup kids that three people in the crowd got (I was one), so afterwards, he asked how many of us had HEARD of the Campbell Soup kids? Brad said no, but he remembered the Lipton sisters. Greg found that really funny for some reason. I dunno...

SENTENCES: Greg and Colin started out, and the discussion was a war over washing hair. (Brad told Colin to "think back." That earned him a LOOK. *G*) It was in a Shakespeare style. Greg (Urethra) was the ghost of Colin's (Testicles, pronounced "Testicleez") father. First sentence up? "That's bullshit." Brad (Vulva) came in as Colin's rival in the war. Lots of comments along the lines of, "I'll sack you, Testicles!" "Don't you have the balls for it, Testicles?" The sentences were almost incidental to the game, though Brad did pull a good one. "Where did I put my sausage?" His response to it was, "After all, what is a vulva without a sausage?" Greg also had a good one. "Yo, what up, dog?" "Hey, I got funky in the afterlife." Greg, you're funky now, you silly goose. *G*

MOUSETRAPS: Greg introduced, and he asked a 9 y/o boy in the front for an activity two people might do together at home. As he's talking, some loud drunk woman in the back was yelling SEX! SEX! SEX! Greg's going, "Look, he's 9. I don't think that's a relevant topic yet! That attitude really turns me OFF sex. "Hey Murray! SEX! SEX! SEX!" Greg was GOOD, we were all dying. Colin and Brad had to "play Monopoly." Then the game began and traps were snapping and flying and Brad and Colin did their masochist thing and crawled around looking for a contact lens and snapped each other. Greg was going around carrying traps too. He got his, though, when a trap snapped RIGHT ON his finger. That hurt, dammit, you could just tell. But he deserved it, being the only one NOT blindfolded. Gotcha, Greg. *G*

Good ending. Justice served. Great show.


The shows ROCKED. The guys took many of my shout-outs. Thanks in particular to Brad, who, after shutting me off in Oregon, pointed to me Friday night for a suggestion. And an ocelot goes out to Greg, for that was the suggestion I gave. The drag about having these shows in a casino is a lot of drunk people go to them, and yell out drunken ideas. "Russian gay midget porn" (No, I'm not kidding) and so forth. Oh yeah, they're REALLY gonna use that one. Effin' idiots. Maybe that's why my suggestions stand out. They're INTELLIGENT. It doesn't always work in an alcoholic environment, ('cause the brain cells are drowning at a fast and furious pace), but the guys seem to like them, so I'll keep throwing them out and seeing what gets caught.

I hate when someone writes a negative review of something I loved the hell out of. (Yeah, dangle that preposition, baby!) "Well, this wasn't any good, this went on too long, they shouldn't have done this." You know what I say to that? FUCK. YOU. It's IMPROV. They're doing it ALL off the top of their heads. It's ALL MADE UP. ON THE SPOT. The fact that so much of it is a success is the important part, not the 3 or 4 things you did not like. It's an impressive talent. You wanna get mad? Get mad at a stand-up comic, who WRITES his own stuff, PRACTICES it, then gets up and STILL sucks. That's the person you can rag on. I doff my chapeau to the improv crowd, 'cause it takes BALLS to get up on stage knowing you have to entertain this crowd for the next hour and a half and you have NO idea how you're gonna do it

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!

Brain has checked out, left no forwarding address. Please have patience with us as we try to work through this problem We apologize for the inconvenience.

"Relationships," or "This Horse Isn't Dead YET???"

(This is a perfect example of wanting to talk about one subject, then sort of veering off into babbling about...Oh, look! Shiny thing!).


Ten minutes of face time (MAX) per show times sixty shows is 600 minutes. Divide by 60 minutes per hour equals 10 hours. (I hope.) So, it's been 6 1/2 years, but ten hours of face time. I'll never go so far as to say there's a friendship between me and any of the guys, but there certainly is a relationship.


I started all this "following the guys" thing after a Colin and Brad show on 1/15/2005 in Waterbury, CT. Then I went to Vegas. Right after the shows, I watched a couple of girls go through the door leading back stage. I've since seen pics. I assume they're fans, though I could be wrong. Seems they've known the guys for a long time. My jealousy of this is all but non-existent now because I've come to realize it's all about timing. It was their time, their coast, their luck. I can deal.

At a "Whose Live Anyway" show in Ottawa 2 weeks ago, I sat down next to a gal who was also there by herself. (We soloists seem to be able to sniff each other out at the shows.)  She'd seen Colin doing a 2-man show with someone before Brad, but no shows of any pairings since.

However, she had attended a "Whose Line" convention in the late 90's. She said it was lots of fun and that Colin had unexpectedly shown up. I loved listening to her, because she enjoyed it so much. Now she was thrilled to be able to see the WLA guys for the first time. She seemed to enjoy my enthusiasm for them, too, and we babbled together for a few minutes. We talked about live shows, the WL show, the convention... A really enjoyable time.

Six and a half years of my own fandom later, a comfort level between me and the guys has developed that I never anticipated. I'm curious as to what Colin and Brad thought of me when I'd approach them in the first year or two. There wasn't Twitter, so I bided my time between shows, surviving after one show by looking forward to the next one. It sounds like an addiction but it wasn't. It was survival. (This has been explained, so, not doing it again now.)

My "don't EEK!!" learning experiences started when I got to talk to Colin. He IS so damn shy, I was afraid of being too boisterous. As more shows happened, I started to really worry. Was I a freak when I finally talked to him again after having bottled up everything for the 2-8 weeks between shows? I know I shook, sometimes stuttered. (Partly adrenalin, but not all.) Some times were easier than others, but, long story short, god bless him for his patience and his warm heart. I was clueless where Brad was concerned, but he was patient, and once I got a clue about how rude I must have been, things started to work, and now there's a positive comfort level we have. The conversations feel less like interviews, at least.

Greg and I "hit it off" a lot more easily. My autograph tattoo appeared either the first or second (my guess is 2nd) year in Vegas, and, for as frequently as we don't see each other, we do well when we meet. The comfort level clicked at the beginning, and hasn't wavered. I credit him for most of what I have with Ryan, as well. Greg's level of trust with me (of me? for me?) has, I think, helped a lot. So has talking about something besides Whose Line all the time, or at least about "THE CAT" or Richard Simmons.

Chip's memory is KILLER, otherwise he and I wouldn't be as okay as we are. (He noticed my haircut after almost 3 years! My HUSBANDS didn't notice my haircuts!)
 
Jeff and I have had a total of 6 "before and after the show"s, so MAYBE it's been a total of half an hour. In Ithaca, NY, this past May, I saw him on the street before the show, and asked if he had his wallet now. (A few hours earlier, he'd tweeted about how it's NOT a good idea to get to an airport without your wallet and i.d.)  I told him I found his tweets hysterical. I was also thrilled that Improvaganza was finally giving him the exposure he deserved. He was very gracious, I was happy, I thought that was it. The next night, before the show in Tarrytown, Greg called the other guys out to meet and speak with some fans. Jeff did his thing, then came over to Greg and me and was like, 'Hey! How are ya?" Greg said, Show him the tattoo! I showed him my ankle. So he asked Greg where my signature was. Greg said he couldn't show it in public. Jeff said, Oh, tramp stamp! I DIED. By the 3rd night, in Red Bank, we're leaning against the bus talking about Twitter. He asked me what name I use. I said @DawnMilam. He said, oh, that's kinda easy.
At the end of everything, I asked Greg if I could have a group photo with them. A fan took the picture for me, then said she wanted to take another one, just in case. When I got back to the hotel and looked at the pics, the first one was what I was expecting, and was thrilled with the result.

Then I checked out the second picture.

I may not be the first person they've done that with, but, either way, they didn't need to do that. I can't wipe the smile off my face whenever I look at or think about this picture. Yeah, I think we get along.

Because of "Improvaganza," a lot of younger fans have become aware of Jeff. Their tweets scare me, so I can't imagine what the he thinks of them. These would be the people I'd kinda be afraid of at the shows. I'm older, and had an idea of how an older person would look or sound, but these "kids" are around high school age, and some older, 20s. Just found out one particularly freaky chick is 38!! ""I love @JeffBryanDavis" and "I Can't Wait To Hug And Kiss @JeffBryanDavis on May 24, 2012." I hope she lightens up before May 24th. (I might be going to that show.)

I got Colin's and Brad's autograph at the first show I went to, and had pics taken with them. I wasn't looking for anything more. I guess most fans are just hoping for the same thing...that moment of OH MY GOD! and the opportunity to thank them for making them laugh during a miserable period in their lives. But to be that creepy?


Thank Zeus I'm not that chick. It's always been important to me that all the guys are comfortable around me, given that I'm at so many of their shows. I haven't always been the most stable, and I was probably intrusive at times. The LAST thing I ever want to be considered is a threat. I was about to say I'd rather be ignored than be feared. Thankfully, I've never been ignored. I think if I was, it would be because they don't want to encourage me. Any acknowledgment only encourages more of the same behaviour, and thank god my behaviour is acceptable. I have seen creepy, and I am not him. Whew.


P.S. If I was ever told to stay away from the guys, or if I never got the chance to talk to them again, I'd still be going to the shows. It's always about the shows first. The laughs are the medicine. Being able to talk to the guys adds a few HEAPING spoonfuls of sugar to it. I will always be grateful.